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i have things to say

So I had a heart-to-heart with myself last night.  It was a combination of having read the first few chapters of Yuli Ziv’s book, “Bloggin Your Way To The Front Row”, as well as having returned from the IFB Conference with my head spinning.  I had to come to terms with many things namely my reasons for wanting to blog.

As much as it pains me to write these thoughts in public, it’s probably a healthy way to start the detox process.

I envy those nubile young things who look perfect from every which angle and whom can make even a potato sack look like haute couture. I am fiercely jealous of how skinny they are and how the world adores them, particularly the fashion houses. I want to be noticed too. I want to be famous.

I. Want. To. Be. Just. Like. Them.

But I can’t. I’m no young thing.

I’m not skinny. I’m not photogenic and I most certainly don’t have a figure to rival that of a clothes rail. I’m 40. I’m a mother of a teenage drama queen, and two stepsons aged 15 and 18 respectively.  I work and I cook and I clean, and I keep house, and I have a family. Blogging was “supposed” to be an outlet for me to express myself, a means for me to be me. To write whatever the heck I wanted, without censor, without boundaries, without fears, without restrictions. And certainly without this (recently, it would appear) overwhelming desire to be part of “the cool crowd”. To be recognised on the street. To be lauded at every turn for my sense of style and my bravado in putting together outfits.

Blogging was meant to be a natural extension of my thirst to write. Something which has been in me for as long as I can remember.  I mean, I wrote my first story when I was 7, in true Enid Blyton “enchanted woods and faerie folk” fashion.  Blogging was supposed to be my small corner of the world, wherein I could be me, just me. Not the Sheela my husband loves. Not the Mummy my daughter calls me. Not my brother’s sister, nor my parents’ daughter. Not the Ms Goh my clients write to.  None of those.

And yet, somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost track of all these important things and because of that, I feel like I have lost myself.  And I need to rediscover who I am.  I must.

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In summation ~ Life Is Way Too Short To Covet What Others Have.

In other words ~ Get A Grip, Sheela.

In conclusion ~ I need to work on liking myself more.  Then, and only then, will things start to fall in place.

 

Have you experienced such internal conflict?  When you felt pushed and pulled in a gazillion different ways?  What steps did you take to rise above the din?  Did they work? 

Love, SG

p/s this probably won’t be the last time you read such thoughts from me but hey, if it helps me in dealing with the issue and work towards becoming the person I was meant to be, I’m just going to roll with it.

pp/s I know I’m going to regret putting it out there the moment I hit the Publish button so, be gentle with the comments :)

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  1. February 15, 2013

    It isn’t about the thoughts you keep about yourself that keep you never knowing yourself. It is that you seek inside the mind to do anything at all. You were taught as we all were that to give the content of the mind value means that you will always be subject to the minds incessant rants of good, bad, better, best…. blah blah blah.. These are not you.. You are beautiful, you are magnificent, and you are beyond the ways of the mind you keep. So when you truly place this inside of you. You emerge.. not the thoughts you keep about you but the places inside you that are always beautiful even when trapped in a thought process of who you are. Get it? I hope so.. hope this finds you glowing with the love that is you! CK

    • February 19, 2013

      Indeed, the mind functions both as cage and open door. The confines, or lack thereof, limited only to the perimeters, boundaries which I set for myself. It is taking that decisive (albeit mental) step to open the cage door and venture out which frightens me most, because (a) despite what I do not like within the confines of the cage, it is familiar, and (b) what if the outside is no more than a mirror image of the place I have just left? It’s a long thought process, as you’ve accurately described, and one from which I am working towards emerging with maturity and, hopefully, grace :) thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me, I really enjoyed reading it.

      Sheela

  2. February 15, 2013

    Sheela, would you trade any of the wonderful things you have now to be those 20-somethings? I wouldn’t do it for all the Alexander Wang in the world. They’ve got fabulous lives and fabulous opportunities and good for them but we’ve got fabulous experience and know-how and razor sharp wit. Also, everyone’s life seems cool from the outside. I spent half the time we hung out wondering how you’re so good at being so social. Anyway, any pursuit of greater self love is worthwhile – I hope you make great strides.

    • February 19, 2013

      I want to be able to respond with great certainty that NO, I wouldn’t but I must be honest and therefore, my reply would be a tentative, I don’t know? So many what ifs which only serve to drive me even more frustrated at times. It’s amazing the sort of shell we fabricate for the world to see because I spent half the time wondering how I could appear as chic and aloof as you did :) but you’re very right, we “do” have experience, maturity, wit and a sense of street smart savvy that can only come with having existed longer than the PYT crowd, and those are things which no amount of money can purchase. I’m rather looking forward to my journey, to learning to live with and love myself, it’s rather scary and thrilling all at the one same time :) xoxoxo

  3. PRPaula #
    February 15, 2013

    Looking forward to having some good face to face, heart to heart talk

  4. February 15, 2013

    ~ typing with new nail polish still wet ~

    Your experience made who you are today, and I am ubber proud to be able to call you a friend. Life is poetic and often unpredictable, and that makes each of us who we are, and as unique of a being from where we’ve been.

    You’ve done things that I wish I can, you’ve gone places that I wish I could, you’ve reach height that I can only wish for! Don’t underestimate who you are my love! You’ve achieved way more than most can only dream of, and I know you still got loads of kinetic potential that you haven’t tackled into. Just know that I am proud of what you’ve achieved and the height that you are aiming at. I believe in you! Because I’ve seen it done!

    As always, I will wait at the end line with champagne waiting for you to come rushing through! xo

    • February 19, 2013

      You know how much all that you’ve written means to me, right babes? I do think that sometimes, many of us actually fear being happy, we fear that the actualisation of goals and happiness spells the end of the pursuit, and we are therefore left with nothing. There is no longer the rush to push forward, the drive to seek, to achieve, and, in my case, the desire to find in me reasons to like myself, to love myself, to come to terms with the fact that there are good things in me worth appreciating. I’m quite certain that fear is a major part of what’s causing this internal upheaval and that I must first conquer it, or, at the very least, accept that it exists and how it affects me. You’ve been more of a role model to me than I’ve let on so ~ SALUT, to us both :) xoxoxo

      • February 19, 2013

        realizing our fear is the first step toward squashing it! :P I’ve realized a few years ago that I am in fear of being successful! HA! And so instead of thinking too much, thinking too hard and in too much details, I’ve decided to just let go, and go for it! You were a big part in that realization too! So yes, from here on, for us both, it’s all flying high and move forward, right? ;) XOXO

        I believe in you! I don’t think there’s anything you set your heart to that you can’t achieve! So screw fear, just do it! RAWWWWRRRRR!!! yeah?

  5. Mayabean #
    February 17, 2013

    You are Sheela…you are u. You are beautiful, just for being you. xo

  6. michi_lee100@yahoo.com #
    February 19, 2013

    Hi Sheela,

    I’m so glad I clicked on your blog link. I have such similar feelings and conflict (and I’m 41 with an 11 year old!!). I know I’m going to enjoy reading this! Anyway, off to motherly duties but more to come :)

    Thanks so much!
    Michelle (gordomom)

    • February 19, 2013

      I knew I liked you for more than your cool shoes :) you’ve become such a lovely presence on the PM community for me, and I thoroughly enjoy reading your comments, and I admire you so much for keeping it together, for being you xoxo

      • gordomom #
        February 21, 2013

        Oh I think your shoes are the envy of many a Posher! Not only that, you’re clearly an excellent photographer (love your angles), so you should walk in confidence that your fashion sense is one to be admired!

        p.s. I’ve decided that I need to reply from my laptop so that it doesn’t autofill my email address as my name! lol!

  7. gordomom@me.com #
    February 19, 2013

    Lol – apparently not enough caffeine since I can’t fill the fields out properly!

  8. February 20, 2013

    I just got back from London Fashion Week and I totally understand how you feel. Hah! I bet plenty of street style photographers put down their cameras when I walked past. However, I decided that since I’ll be turning 40 soon – to hell with my insecurities. I have enough of that in my younger days. Some of the most gorgeous ladies I’d met have more than me. Life is too short to spend my time worrying about what I’m not good at so I might as well concentrate on the things that I am.

    BTW, since I grew up with you, I can say this. I’d always thought you were (and still are) one of the most talented individuals I’d ever met even though we were chalk and cheese back in those days. You were fierce, confident and had an amazing grasp of English when I could barely piece a sentence together. So chin up, Sheel and be the girl that I always knew you’ll be.

    psssst…….our muffin tops and fine lines are our battle scars which we’d earned through life experiences. I’d much rather have wisdom than my 17 year old 21″ skinny waist.

    • April 11, 2013

      I heart you. That’s all there is. I heart you.

  9. February 21, 2013

    Sheela!

    What a brave post!! These are all the same feelings I had up there. Although I’m in a different place bc we are JUST starting a family but our ages are almost the same {I’m 36 at least 10-15 yrs older than most that I was surrounded by}, I felt so out of place among the pretty young things (PYT). And I felt really grateful that they allowed ME to hang out with THEM. I actually DID see photographers turn away when I walked passed them in Lincoln Center. I wore my “I don’t want to die walking in this dirt soup/sludge/ice/snow mess” shoes and it wasn’t really cool enough to get their attention.

    I feel like this blogger community is so great, but at the same time, such a step away from reality. It easy to step into the dream world when you see all the PYT fly to Milan and go to a couture show. Who am I to think that I would be invited to Fashion Shows? I’m no designer or model – I’m a part time pharmacist who is about to be a mom!

    Anyhow, I think you are fabulous. And you should be in love with YOURSELF first! Thank you for sharing this post! And I knew that any friend of M would be just as great as her!

    • April 11, 2013

      Here’s the irony of the situation, Sam, I see you as one of the PYT crowd :) because you are. You’re gorgeous, you’re young (yes, you are), you’re much more adventurous in your choice of ensembles than me or my alter ego could ever hope to be, and to top it all off, you’re very intelligent. I wanted so much to hate you but I couldn’t. You’re such an awesome soul. Such genuine warmth and friendliness that all I could think of was how nice a person you were :) so there it is, I suppose, tis true. The grass always ALWAYS appears much greener on the other side. In my books, you’re the whole package, and then some, Sam. The PYT crowd doesn’t have much on you, in all honesty, you’re beautiful inside and outside, and the wonderful thing is that it shines through loud and proud. I’m so very glad to have met you xoxo

      • April 30, 2013

        Sheel, I think you, Sam and I should create our own cool crowd. Besides, we’re still 40 years young with the exception of Sam who is still a PYT!

  10. April 8, 2013

    You go girl, ahem, fellow diva lady blogger! Hey, remember me?

    I’m siguah from Poshmark. I, like you, wanted to be like them, and ended up starting my own blog that’s only me.

    I imagine myself to be very much like you when I have a family: all sorts of fabulous and still pursuing my passions.

    I love what you’re doing.

    Love,
    Heidi

    • April 11, 2013

      Thank you for that, it boosted my spirit to no end :) you plod and you plod and you think nothing of it save to make it through to the next 24 hours. It takes a moment, perhaps an extended one, to realise that what you’re doing is actually what you choose/chose to do, and why it’s worthwhile.

      xo Sheela xo

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