Why so secretive?
Why all that hush hush?
How is it we talk about our deepest emotions? The state of our relationships? Share our innermost desires and thoughts and fears, and yet hardly anyone talks about sex? Or, for that matter, masturbation? I know, I know, did that come across a little too forcefully?
LET'S START WITH THE OBVIOUS, SHALL WE?
First, the grass is green, the sky is blue, and people masturbate. Gleefully and often. But, for some unfathomable reason, men more so than women. Could it be that many of us are still thinking, “Someday, my prince will come, and so will I.” Emmmm. Question mark. It doesn’t help that the topic of self-love is still brought up in hushed tones, especially amongst women (shaking my head). It’s seemingly impossible to engage in a candid discussion about, ahem, flickin’ the bean, even from girlfriends who are quick to talk about explicit escapades.
This is due partly to the reality that no one wants to talk about vaginas. According to socially constructed conceptions about female genitalia, vaginas remain an inferior sexual organ that releases blood and odours, rather than impressively enlarge and ejaculate. Penises are absolutely everywhere. Scrawled on bathroom stalls and bus stops, and bulging out of David Beckham’s H&M ads. Lady parts can (and should) be known for more than periods, babies, and an orifice to help others get off.
I know, I know, historically, masturbation has gotten a bad rap but honestly? A party for one is still a party, and to put it crudely, this is one party you’ll actually feel better after attending.
Masturbation is a very normal, enjoyable and healthy experience. It’s time to put the taboo subject of women and masturbation to bed (all puns intended), and realise that some days, a little menage a moi might be exactly what you need.
W H Y ?
The big O releases feel-good endorphins that calm you the eff down after a stressful day at work. Or running after baby one and baby two. Or just getting through life in general. Self-love also strengthens your pelvic-floor muscles, toning you up for even more orgasms (think Flywheel for your nether region). It even opens up the cervix to flush out bad bacteria.
Perhaps the sweetest benefit of all? Exploring on your own puts you in touch with what turns you on, which buttons to press (and which to avoid), and all that in turn make for way better sex with your someone else. Once you learn how to give yourself solo Os, you’ll be able to “school” your partner on what you like.
One is so not the loneliest number.
And as tempting as it might be to point the finger at religion for the stigmatisation of “self-abuse,” the few modern writers who have investigated the history of masturbation lay an equal share of the blame on crusading Enlightenment doctors as well as philosophers.
How is it that masturbation remains such a complicated topic in the 21st century?
I think that this is, on a large scale, caused by the stigma that women don’t masturbate. It isn’t ladylike because people with vaginas should be able to control sexual impulses and urges. It’s even gotten to a point where government officials like Ted Cruz want to regulate the practice of, and have fought for the ban of advertisements and sale of sex toys. His legal team argues that “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals.”
In a male-dominated world, there are outdated misconceptions about female masturbation and a debilitating silence about giving yourself an orgasm. This causes a lack of knowledge about one’s own body, which can lead to dissatisfaction with a partner. If a woman doesn’t know what she likes, how can she expect someone else to sexually please her?
R I G H T ?
I’m a strong believer in not relying on people for anything, especially not an orgasm. No one (regardless of gender) deserves to be treated like a blow-up doll, beckoned at every
horny desire for a booty call.
Ultimately, this issue comes down to a matter of de-stigmatising masturbation. The more research and education that’s being completed on the subject certainly helps to do so, but the real progress will be when people start to talk about it as openly as they do about sex. Being candid and light-hearted about getting yourself off is the key to normalising it.
Plus, there’s an endless amount of ridiculous terms to use for female masturbation, so we might as well start talking about it.
Whether you’ve only just begun exploring the world of solo play or have been into it for a while now (#noshame either way), take a look at here or here for options. Yes, I’ve shopped at both places myself, and no, I’m not paid to promote either link. I really do believe that sharing is caring. And that knowledge is empowering.
Go ahead, partake in a little self discovery.
And I’m curious to see how many, if any, comment on this post.
And now, here’s a little something different. A link-up. That I’m co-hosting. With Nicole of High Latitude Style. She’s probably no stranger to most, if not all, of you.
Top of the World Style linkup-party
Welcome to the 86th Top of the World Style fashion linkup party. Thanks to all of you stylish ladies and gentlemen who linked up in the past. You and your lovely outfits make this party so exciting, fun, and inspiring. You are an awesome crowd!
First let me introduce you to your hostess, Nicole Mölders is married, has one cat, no kids. She is a fashion, and science enthusiast living in Fairbanks, Alaska and the blogger at High Latitude Style – an Alaska fashion blog with science bits for women in midlife. She shares how to turn fashion into style. She recently published “How to Dress for Success in Midlife.”
Top of the World OOTD
Carrie, blogger at A Lovely Little Wardrobe attracted the most clicks, and hence became Top of the World OOTD Readers’ Fav. Her styling of a purple in four different outfits showed no fear of this tricky color. All outfits looked so effortlessly chic. It seemed like purple is a neutral.
Yana, blogger at A Handful of Stories became Top of the World OOTD My Fav. I love her take on wide leg trousers with a bow tie and hat. A nice tension between very feminine and menswear. The braids make the look sweet and cute. What a great look for a young woman.
Congrats ladies! Please grab your respective featured Top of the World OOTD button from my Linkup Page.
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One day my prince will come and so will I!!!!!! Oh my, I had to laugh real hard, this one I have to remember! But here in the Netherlands we have those Lady nights. Sort of Tupperware party s but then with vibrators, dildo’s. I am not sure if this is the right translation, but you do know what I mean? So that is not a big issue between my friends and I, we know we use them! But we don’t talk about it and to be honest I don’t want to. Masturbation is in my eyes something private, not to be ashamed of! Not at all, but just private. But this is a great post dear Sheela.
You certainly don’t leave any stone unturned, do you dear Sheela?
Since I’m an old lady now (ha ha), I do wonder if the younger girls talk about this much. We certainly didn’t when I was young, but I did read a book in high school (it was at the neighbor’s house, which i saw when i was babysitting) that told the different ways to masturbate. And lo, and behold, I had been doing it since elementary school. I didn’t know what I was doing, especially then. I just knew it felt good and relaxed me when I was tense.
Just call me precocious 🙂
But I have to play the devil’s advocate—if this isn’t taboo to talk about—what does that leave to be taboo??
I must say I’m proud to have made this a comfortable topic along my friends and even some clients!! Lol! It helps with stress relief, which helps with fat loss. I think us coming from an Asian society, makes the topic extremely taboo back home, but at least my Asian girlfriends are now able to open up about it and ask questions within a safe space.
I think that in order to truly “know oneself” one should be quite well versed in masturbation. Nothing wrong with that. And if you think there is, well I feel sorry for you honey because you’re missing out on lots of pleasure.
The issue with women is that we can’t see our vaginas, we need mirrors. We just have to sense by feeling, unlike guys that can stare away and then understand where to touch visually.
Religion definitely brings shame into the bedroom, for women specifically. Not specifically about masturbation, but about sex in general.
I find it astonishing that Ted Cruz has such a backward ignorant view about women. Good grief. (shaking my head). I don’t even know what to say.
OK, Sheela. When you mentioned self-love in your comment to me I must admit this is Not what I thought you meant At All! I was thinking inner self-love. Just goes to show how we can interpret things differently. 🙂
I completely agree self exploration is natural and even necessary for discovering what we enjoy and how we enjoy it. Who else could even try to determine what gives us pleasure more than ourselves? Yes, there may be an unexpected surprise here and there with things we have never considered before, but for the most part we are the ones with the power to share what really gets us going. Or choosing to skip the middle man and take it into our own hands quite adeptly.
Really personal, very nice post!!
MES VOYAGES À PARIS
NEW POST: GREEN TRENCH & VELVET SCARF
There’s no shame in this topic and I wish it wasn’t stigmatized as it is. The truth for me is that I am a happily married woman in a committed and deep relationship with my husband that includes lots of intimacy… and both us regularly masturbate. We both see it as the expression of self care we need; we take care of ourselves before we can care for others. Thanks so much for sharing.
Yes, Sheela, Yes! I have been saying this exact same thing for years. Why? Why is it so taboo? I tend to shock those around me when I speak openly about it all. Glad to know that I am not alone on that one! I have been wanting to write a post about the benefits of pornography in boosting my sex life. When I am feeling inadequate and insecure about my body, I do watch porn…specifically porn featuring women with bodies like mine. And what do you know….suddenly my brain says, “Hey this woman is sexy and sexual…and so am I.” Especially when I was pregnant…pregnant pornography literally saved my sex life! So, now you have given me the courage to write said post. A post where I also need to thank the women who choose to make these movies…because they are performing a great service for me and my self-image.
Thanks for linking up with me On the Edge. I will be sharing this fabulous and much-needed post on my social media!
Somebody wants to regulate masturbation??? I mean, control if, when and how OTHER PEOPLE do it? How would that even work? Is he planning to install some sort of surveillance equipment in people’s bed rooms (or, every other other room in the house…)? Oh careful, Big Brother is watching you getting off!
Like Jennie1969 I had no idea that this is what you meant haha. I was also thinking in terms of inner self-love. But I grinned when I read your post. Honey, I am Dutch. We have had the sexual revolution. I have been masturbating since elementary school. Like Jodie said, no idea what I was doing at the time. I found out in highschool. Because we talked about it, read about it and because I have never let anybody tell me what to do or what not to do. I am very much a freedom lover. I need a lot of freedom. And to masturbate or not, is entirely up to me. As you say, it relaxes. No big thing. It can happily coincide with having sex with your husband.
Love you dear for your crusading. Mwah.
Language thingy here. I didn’t mean “coincide”, I meant it can exist next to / alongside (??) having sex with your husband. Pfff, sometimes my command of the English language isn’t good enough.
Great post!! I love how open and real you are 🙂
Sheela, it’s all about doing and saying what your’e comfortable with. I’ve written about my bowel disease on the blog and know it makes some people very uncomfortable, in fact one of my girlfriends asked me to take it down as she thought it was inappropriate on fashion blog. Most bodily functions are pretty taboo when you come to think of it.
Good for you for getting this off your chest. Your blog is your platform to say your piece, and you can share all you like as far as I’m concerned.
I love that you’re exploring this subject (LOL) and making it as mainstream as fashion and style. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for adding your post to my Fine-Whatever link up.
a difficult subject for many. great post though, honest and straight forward. Hugs
Great post, flickin’ the bean,love it
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