Mentally. Emotionally. Externally.
Second in a(n immensely prolonged) tri-part post series, this theme of looking inwardly as a means to dissect, review and discern is completely inspired by something Chriselle published on New Year’s Eve. My opening thoughts were shared here, and today, as promised, I’m going to reveal Questions 4 to 6, and my responses thereto. I apologise for the crazy gap in between posts, but my work website is finally up!! It only took working around the clock for 18 months GRIN it went live when I was away in Dallas for a tradeshow and, as you can imagine, there were countless things to debug. Kinks to unkink.
As always, the words you’re going to read aren’t necessarily pretty and they’re most certainly neither glossed over nor sugar-coated. I am nothing if not blunt and truthful when it comes to my thoughts, emotions, feelings, and I realise not everyone is on board with this approach (fact: 33 people unsubscribed from my blog when this post came online).
That being said, I do hope that those who matter, will stick around because, as you well know, you (and your comments) mean the world to me.
R E A D Y ???
4. How have I developed or changed as a person?
I don’t know if I have, honestly. Is it at all realistic to expect to change habits of decades in a scant 12 months? How does one modify traits one has cultivated over so many years?
If there has been a detectable difference, I’d like to believe it’s me becoming a stronger person. That in identifying my weaknesses, I’ve lessened their hold on me, of only just a little. Liberated myself, so to speak.
Does that make any sense at all?
Perhaps (and even) more importantly is the knowledge that there is zero shame in acknowledging the need to ask for help. That there is absolutely no shame in wanting the support of another. And that I truly cannot expect to accomplish everything on my own.
5. What have I done differently in 2017? What new people have I met or new experiences have I had?
I shall again segmentise my replies.
Professionally – As you know, I work full-time but on a remote basis which has extended me a fair amount of time and travel flexibility. Over the past five years, I’d rarely venture into the office, going perhaps once every two months or so. My reasons ranged from feeling uncomfortable around people to citing extreme fatigue. Anyway, after Eve went to university, I decided I would head to the office and, for the first time, get to know my colleagues. Let them see I wasn’t quite the phantom lady whose name appeared only on emails, and baked the occasional tray of cookies and cakes. It was a little awkward at first, I’ll have you know that. But over them, it became the norm to see me at the office. It became the norm for A to talk to me about her daughters and raising them alone as a single parent. And the norm for N to crack jokes and goof around with me, and that is so super cool.
Blogging-wise, the short and sweet version of things is that I suck at planning and being organised. I really do. I’ve also come to realise that the longer you stay away, the harder it becomes to pick things up and get into a routine of (quasi) regular posting again. This is something I’m working on improving. And not only because blogging is a source of income for me (one that has, naturally, dipped rather dismally thanks to my inconsistent posting schedule), but primarily because writing is my therapy. It allows me to (quite literally) take things out of my heart and head, and leave them somewhere else. So not so much meeting new people or gaining new experiences but more along the lines of coming to terms with my shortcomings, and maybe, finally maybe taking steps to stop being so damn disorganised.
Personally, I actually had a lot of things to share but something very unexpected and dramatic happened within the folds of our blended family just about a week ago. I’m not ready to talk about it beyond the fact that the serenity I previously described is gone, and I’m no longer on speaking terms with one of my stepsons. Yes, I’m very sad but it is what it is for now. Maybe I’ll divulge it here one day.
I don’t know.
Only time will tell if things change.
Embellished Jacket (from the husband) | Dress & Oversized Sunnies (Poshmark) | Gladiator Ankle Booties (Baker’s) | Choker (c/o ManicPanic) | Lipstick (22 @ Kylie Cosmetics)
6. How much fun have I had in 2017? Was I fulfilled?
Firstly, yes, I’ve had a TON of fun last year!! Despite all the not-so-cool things that happened, I really enjoyed 2017. I was able to share so many new and different experiences with my husband. Travel and explore places with my baby. Conquer a few health issues and (finally) get back to doing things I love such as (kick)boxing, sprinting, squatting. Secondly, was I fulfilled? This is a loaded question because, you see, I’m one of those glass-half-empty people. I know I know, I can’t help it. So I doubt I will ever say I feel fulfilled, no matter how much I’ve accomplished, but I will say that I achieved a lot more than I’d expected and it was a very very good feeling. Does that count?
And that was the second of a tri-part sharing deal. I even managed to persuade Eve to do it so go check out her answers. The third and final part (slated for next Wednesday because, get ready for it, The Fab 40s returns on Monday) talks about the cornerstones of my life, the people who matter most, and if I felt fulfilled by the events of 2017. I’d love it if you came back then.
Was I far too revealing?
Did I share too much?
How would you have answered these questions yourself?
p/s my photos are by Sofia Touassa
I link up here.