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Desensitising

To free oneself from a phobia.

Via gradual exposure to the thing that is feared.

 

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with how much to share on the blog.  And not for myself, actually, but for my family who may will be affected by the things I choose to reveal.  Even though this is my outlet to express myself fully, and let it all out, the fact of the matter is, I always worry how the things I write about might affect the people I love.  Because I know for a fact that my parents read my posts.  Eve (and her friends) read my posts.  And for those reasons, I do not fully disclose my thoughts nor do I talk about everything in my head.

I wish I could though.

Just let everything gush forth without a care in the world.

I T    W O U L D    B E    I M M E N S E L Y    L I B E R A T I N G

Does it come as a surprise to you?

This trepidation of mine?

Afterall, I’ve talked about running away.  And growing up within an environment that views tanned skin and articulation on a female as ugly.  I’ve touched on the topic of masturbation.  And once you talk about DIY-ing, it’s rather like going to the point of no return, isn’t it?

Yet there are aspects of my life that, if I haven’t kept completely hidden, I haven’t completely disclosed either.

Shocker, I know.

Yes, the sexual abuse as a child. 

There’s that.

And it weighs heavily upon my soul. 

I cannot lie.

And is quite likely what triggered today’s mood.  I want to shed all the burden it’s put on me, but I cannot.  For now.  I know it’s my story to tell but I worry how it will affect my parents since the person who did it lies within the immediate family circle.  And is someone with whom they still have regular contact.

Still, one has to wonder if my reticence stems more from my reluctance to confront what happened.

My brother believes I should start a journal about it.

Pen my thoughts down.  And then, one day, either publish it.  Or post it here.  When I feel ready.  And, he suggests, perhaps also after pre-empting my parents before I hit the publish button.

He has a point.  I just hate the idea of bringing the topic up with them.  I can barely talk about it with my husband.  I cringe at the memory, and feel repulsed and disgusted with myself when old thoughts resurface.  I’m very much aware that nothing which happened was my fault.  Not in the least bit.

I can’t help but wonder, though, if I did or say something to encourage it?  That caused the abuse to last over a period of 2, 3 years.

Dress & Boots (c/o Forever21) | Embellished Bag (Zara) | Sunnies (Poshmark)

I do know that, even after all these years (30+ to be precise), the fact that this part of my life bothers me so, means he has retained control over me.  And I need that to stop.  I need to put an end to it.

There’s this saying I came across. a long time ago, that old sins have long shadows.  I’d revise that a bit to include also the sins of others upon us, for they too reach far and wide.  And to counter that, I’d start with desensitising myself.  Just a little.

And how’s that for light Monday reading, huh?  GRIN you can always count on me to be forthcoming.  And honest.  And no holds barred.

KISSES!!!

 

Love, Sheela

p/s I link up here.

9 Comments

  1. I think the journaling idea is a great one, until you feel comfortable to share, I really enjoyed this post and appreciate people like you who do share so much of themselves with the world ❤️

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  2. mummabstylish says

    Well, now that’s a jaw dropping moment back at me! How brave of you and well done on stating something so difficult to remember, that must have been hard – but WELL DONE! I’m sure you will be filled with love and support from you friends, both in person and online. We all have something in our background that is either shared or held within, I hope you give courage for others to do as you have. Keep your chin up as you are in charge now! Jacqui Mummabstylish

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Paul says

    To see you gush forth would be immensely liberating for you , and as incredibly hot and sexy you are, in this look, you are even more beautiful, because of you trying to confront and deal with a serious issue that was never addressed and was never your fault. Keep being that beautiful sexy blogger you are ,as keep moving forward fiercely as a strong woman.

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  4. sandypatti says

    Yes, yes, let it out and tell it as many times as you need to – maybe not to all of us (although you have tons of love and support) but in a journal, to a counselor, to your closest friend. Keep telling it till it loses some of its power. I know whereof I speak. Huge hugs and love to you, xox

    -Patti
    http://notdeadyetstyle.com

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  5. I enjoyed your post as I face similar qualms about sharing on my blog. I personally wouldn’t want to share about my child sexual abuse on my blog – yet – maybe I never will but I really look up to those who can. I do hope you have a counsellor though and yes, journaling is a fabulous idea. Wonderful outfit too.

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  6. Suzy Turner says

    Anything related to childhood abuse is difficult to discuss with anybody. I was molested by a family friend when I was 14 and I still find it hard to talk about. Even now, I feel that I should have known better than to get on his motorbike and go for a ride with him. It makes me shudder to even think about it. Fortunately it only happened once, so I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for you to open up about something like this, Sheela. Something that went on for years. Good for you, for broaching the subject – it can only mean that you are healing, right?
    Huge hugs, my dear friend ❤
    Suzy xx
    http://www.suzyturner.com

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  7. We have this in common. Years ago I spent session after session discussing this in therapy and thought I was pas it. Lately I have been realizing I am still letting this control my life. I am delving into research on what I can do to process my pain so I can finally let it go. I just added a couple of podcasts for survivors to my playlist and I am hopeful to find something that finally clicks for me. I had no control then and it’s time to say enough is enough now.

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